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HUGS FROM GRAMMY


This is me with my Grammy.

Some of you know her already...
I shared a bit about Grammy and how special she is to me
about a month ago in this post

(Just so you know...this is not a fun decorating post~
stop reading now if you would like to-
I won't be offended or hurt at all)

I wasn't sure when I would share what has been going on lately.
I have been trying to just do regular things and what not
and really, I wasn't sure when or if I would hit 'publish' on this post.
I mean, this blog is about decorating & fun stuff...

Honestly, visiting your posts, blogging, doing the regular routine
and trying to get some decorating done has been such a great diversion for me and I have needed it.

When I started blogging
I had no idea that I would meet so many wonderful people out here-
that I would find so much friendship and so much support.
It is such a blessing and I appreciate all of your kindness so much.


So here goes...


My grandparents were always a big part of my life while I was growing up
and my grandmother and I were especially close
from the time I was born...

For the past 3o+ years,
I have been so incredibly blessed to have been loved, nurtured and adored
by a wonderful woman,
my grandmother...

On Saturdays, when I was little
I would spend the night at her house and we would watch
'The Bionic Woman' together
She taught me to sew,showed me how to bake & shared her recipes.
Thanksgiving was her Holiday~ she loved that all the family would come up
and celebrate together
and her mashed potato casserole is tradition.

When I was 8,
and my parents divorced, and as a child you feel like you don't
know what is solid ground when that happens.

Grammy was a constant-
someone who was there no matter what.


When both of my parents remarried and my brother and I weren't sure
where we fit in the new families.
she reassured that we were loved
even if it seemed like it wasn't true.

In high school-
I was searching for my place in my world.
Truth be told, I was pretty darn unlovable for awhile
and I made it very easy to give up on me...
Of course, my parents didn't give up on me,
but they are parents...
and they seem against you and you hate them the most at that age.

But Grammy wasn't like my parents to me and found a way to love me more

She and my grandfather drove across the country to meet each of my babies
when they were born
She held them and adored them for hours and it was so special to watch her
with my children.


When she got dementia about 4 1/2 years ago,
we all knew that the road ahead was going to be hard.
It became even harder as the Grammy we knew was hidden,
bit by bit...

Over time...
She didn't know her family any longer...
that she had two sweet babies,
6 grandchildren and 9 great-grandchildren...
That she had been married to my grandfather since she was 19 years old...
or that he had passed away last year...


It was so sad to realize that she had so many experiences and wonderful memories of her life,
that she didn't know about any longer.
and it has been difficult for all of us
as we have watched little bits and pieces of her leave.

It has been hard to separate
and accept that there would be a time when
she would no longer be here.

Which brings us to today....


Just a few weeks ago,
while I sat with with her in the care home where she lived,
Grammy looked at me and told me that I needed to go do my own things now.
She asked if I understood what she was saying
and told me that it was hard for her to say it ...
During the next couple of visits,
she told me several times how very much she loved me
and loved everyone in our family.

Just before Thanksgiving,
I watched her holding her sweet baby dolls as she sang to them.
'Yes, sir , that's my baby....'
she sang the entire song,
then kissed them and told them to be good
and handed them to me.


Even though it was so upsetting and I was in tears, I was smiling as I watched her
because I knew that the Grammy we had all been missing for so long was there
and it was such a gift to have her back if even just for a few moments.


That night, I prayed that she would be safe and loved when she left.
That she would be in the arms of Heaven
and would remember all those memories that had been taken away while she was here.
That she would be that mother and grammy again.
It was so hard for me to not ask for her to stay.


My sweet grandmother is with my grandfather now.

I know that she is okay now
and I do feel her all around me,
it doesn't feel like she has left.

I feel so incredibly blessed that she was my grandmother
and that my children were able to know her
and we have all been so fortunate to have her in our lives.
~
Several months ago,
she told me that she thought we would always be close
no matter what...
and asked me if I thought so too.


I told her I did.

I love her so much and will miss her forever.






36 comments

  1. This is such a beautiful tribute to your grandmother and I am sure it was also very painful to write. I wish I had the words to comfort you, it's never easy to lose someone you love but it will get easier to live with.

    I wish you much love and am sending big hugs to you, Courtney.

    XO,
    Jane

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  2. Thank you, Courtney! Not always easy to share heartache but I'm glad you respected your grammy and shared. It's good for us to support one another. I'm sure your grammy is still looking down on you in love. I know it's very cliche to say, but she is where she needs to be now. She sounded like an amazing woman and blessing to your life. I'm sad for you, today, but I know that you will always carry your wonderful memories of her.

    Wishing you healing and sending prayers to you and your family! xo

    ~Michelle

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  3. Dear Courtney,
    It is a wonderful thing that you realized how blessed you were to have that sweet and giving lady in your life - for always. Not everyone has that special bond with their grandmother... She is most definitely looking out for you now - that is the peace you feel. She can pray from her place in heaven now for the granddaughter she loves so much - with a mind that is no longer attacked by human frailties brought on by age - that much be a tremendous relief to her.
    Thanks you so much for sharing this very special and inspiring story. I am so glad you pressed "publish." :)
    Many prayers,
    Ann
    PS Please visit me at my history blog - I think you will like it, especially now.

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  5. I cried for you as I read your post. You will forever have incredible sweet memories of her. May God Bless you and give you and your family comfort.

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  6. Oh Courntey, bless your heart for sharing this. I am so very sorry for your loss. As I read your story, tears streaming down, I could feel the love you have for your Grammy. You have such a wonderful heart and soul and she saw every bit of that! You had and still have an incredible bond that will not be taken away or ever broken. I pray that God gives you the comfort you need and that you feel the peace in your heart more and more each day. Her last days and what she said to you just give me a feeling I can't describe. My Papa would say to me that he was ready and he lived a good life and that is what he wanted for me as well. Just incredible how they still take care of us! Bless you and your family and hugs to you as well!

    xo

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  7. This is a beautiful tribute. I think of my grammies every day because I am so much like both of them. Keep the memories in your heart forever.

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  8. What a fortunate person you are to have had such a wonderful person always loving and being there for you...Please try to count your blessings while you grieve...it's hard but it will get better with time...It will never be the same...but it will get better...Sending prayers for you and your family!!!

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  9. Courtney,

    What an amzing tribute to your Grammy. She must have been so incredibly proud of you. I'm incredibly glad for you both that you were able to be there through those moments of lucidity towards the end. I'm certain that those moments will stay with you forever - until you too have passed on ahead.

    And now I'm crying again.

    Sarahx

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  10. Courtney, such a sweet sweet tribute to your grandmother. You were so lucky and blessed to have her. Yes, she is in a better place now. Take care.

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  11. Oh Courtney, I am so glad you decided to hit the "publish" button and let us all into your world and your heart. I don't want to be part of a community where all we talk about is decorating and crafts. This is the real stuff of life and I am so very sorry for the loss of your wonderful grammy. She has left a lasting legacy with you and the rest of your family and the imprint on your life is forever. And you are an example to your own children of how to love and honor those who are aging and to still care about and for them even when they don't know who we are.
    I will be praying for you my friend!
    Vanessa

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  12. Courtney, You have touched more than a few people with this post today. You're lucky to have had someone in this world who accepted and loved you without question. You have your memories and she lives on in you and your children, so cherish it all.... xo Sue

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  13. Courtney, thank you for sharing this. I am so sorry for your loss. She sounds like a beautiful woman. You are right, she is still with you and always will be.

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  14. We were both blessed to have a wonderful Grandmother (grandparents)My parents divorced also at my age 5 and I was raised by my grandparents my brother and I .
    My Grandmother was the best person ever in my life. I miss her so much. I have her pictures on my frig especailly the one of her setting in my kitchen trying to teach me how to make divinty candy.
    My Grandfather died when I was just 17 I thought I would die.
    I hope I am a great grandmother some day and will be remember by my grandchildren

    Janice

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  15. OK so yes, I am balling! But it's OK, I needed that. So much of what you wrote I felt, as I was so very close with my Grandparents too. In fact later in life my Grandfather who I adored lived with me while he was ill, and my husband and I took care of him. He is the one who called me Debbiedoos, hence my blog name. How very lucky we are to have these special memories. Some never even know their grandparents. Oh and believe me, there was a time in my life that my own parents did not even want to know me....however my Gram and Gramp were there for me too. Thanks for the heartfelt post. I do hope you enjoy your holidays, I know your Gram wants you too.

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  16. Oh that is such a sweet post!! I think its great that you shared it with us. I know she is watching over you now for sure!

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  17. I still have tears streaming down my face as I try to type this. What a beautiful post and tribute to a very special woman. I can see where you draw your inspiration from now, Courtney. I am so glad you shared your Grammy's legacy with us. May God rest her soul and keep her forever close to your heart. ((hugs))

    Vicki

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  18. Hugs to you. I just lost my sweet Grandma last summer under similar circumstances, and I understand how much you are hurting. Thanks for sharing this with us.

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  19. Oh Courtney, I am so sorry about the loss of your Grammy. She sounds like she was a very wonderful and special woman. I am so glad you felt that you could share her story and reveal what an important person she was in your life. My grandma also had dementia and it was so hard seeing her slip away. I lived for the moments when I would see a little glimmer of who she once was. I'm so glad you got the Grammy that you knew back for a few moments before she was gone. Best wishes to you my lovely friend ♥

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  20. Courtney Love...such a sweet post and totally putting your heart on the line! THAT is why i love you to Pieces! xoxokara

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  21. what a wonderful tribute to your grammy. i'm sure she is looking down on you and your family and smiling as she reads this post...her gift to you was that brief glimpse of lucidity, i'm so glad you were there to receive that beautiful gift.....

    have a great christmas!!

    hugs, cindy

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  22. What a very lovely tribute!!! I think it's fabulous when bloggers share little pieces of themselves!!!
    Yeah for grandmas:):) They are always in our hearts and minds!!

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  23. Oh Courtney...I sit here crying because you and I have so much in common.. A wonderful grandmother who has taught us the true meaning of unconditional love...A rock in the storm...And our personal angel on earth. I am so glad that you got to have that moment with her and I am also glad that she was blessed with it as well. My heart goes to you my friend and to Grammy..I send my love to you both-ERin

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  24. What a wonderful heartfelt post about your grandmother! I'm so sorry about your loss. She sounds like a wonderful woman and you were so blessed to have her in you life as a constant.
    We lost my grandfather this year and my grandma always says she can't wait to be with him again.

    Hang in there, thinking of you!
    XO
    Kristin
    And yes you can always post old projects :)

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  25. I miss her to.. But you must understand that she is never really gone! She watches over and protects you say as like an " Angel " And I know even if I am not the smartest person in the world, I know that she will always have a special place in your heart and you will always have a special place in her heart , Because when you love someone and the leave they are never really gone.. She is watching over and protecting you now... I sense it. :) P:s Good job with your blog! Nice pictures. Love, Lightmeire

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  27. Hello Courtney,

    The title of your post caught my attention when I was reading another blog. What a beautiful and obviously heartfelt tribute to your Grammy. I can honestly say it brought tears to my eyes. I felt as if I was reading about my relationship with my own grandmother whom I called Grammy. It has been a few years now since her death but because she was such a big influence in my life, I feel as if she is still with me. It sounds like you have wonderful memories of your Grammy and each of those memories is like a hug from her.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

    ~ Tracy

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  28. Such an incredible post about your grandmother!!! You can just tell by her sweet face that she was pretty amazing!!! I have a tear running down my cheek. This really made my heart BIG. Thank you for sharing.

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  29. This was beautiful, Snorts. No one was as close to Grammy as you were and it's really nice to read this and get a glimpse of what she truly meant to you and the bond that you shared. I'm glad that you had Grammy to show you that you were loved unconditionally, when everyone else seemed to fall short. I always wondered why you had a different relationship with her than anyone else in the family and now I realize that it's because she gave all of her love to you, because she knew you needed it and you deserved it. And I am so thankful now that she did that, because it made you into the loving big sister that you are to me. So, where I used to have bitterness towards a grandma who i felt never showed me the same love she showed you, I now have understanding and gratitude, because I have an amazing sister who is a reflection of her love, and a testament to her warmheartedness. I love you!

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  30. Bittersweet post...I"m so glad you shared. Your Grammy sounds like a very special person, and I hope someday I can be someone's grammy in the same sense of the word.

    Thanks for sharing...perfect Christmas post, 'cause memories and deep feeling are what Christmas should be about :)

    Blessings to you....

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  31. Hi Courtney, I'm so sorry to hear about Grammy. This is such a personal post and I want to thank you for sharing it. I had a similar experience with my Grandmother. It became so sad when she didn't know us anymore , or she thought we were someone else. We had a lot of fun times and tried to keep our sense of humor. Although often accompanied by tears as well. My heart goes out to you, sending hugs from my home to yours, tami

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  32. I am hugging you with my heart.
    love, bj

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  33. Courtney, I am just getting caught up on my blog reading and I feel so bad that I didn't read this earlier and comment. I am so sorry about the loss of your grandmother and the pain you must be going through. It is obvious how special she is to you. Moments before my mom passed she said there were three beautiful angels in the room and they were telling her it was time to go. I hope you find peace in knowing that your grammy had her own special angels taking care of her.
    Hugs,
    Sherry

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  34. I'm in tears as I read your post...thinking about the special ladies in my life that have left me to do my own thing. I just lost my mom back in May. I feel the pain of your loss and the love you had for your grandmother. Sending hugs and peace your way, Jillian

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  35. I just happened upon this post this morning. I know it's from clear back in 2010 and I'm quite sure that life has found a way to resume after this sad occurance. But today, in 2015 I thank you for writing it. It brings me to tears, remembering special people in my own life who have left for now. We just lost my mother-in-law. Another special woman. Passing is so hard. But looking to the future and reunions is what gets me through. Thank you so very much for sharing your tender feelings and story of your darling grandmother. It has helped all of us. Whoever we are. And whoeevr we've lost. For now.

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