It is hard to believe it is already almost the middle of October friends. I feel like the past few months have gone by in a sprint but also has felt like a marathon. This summer will always be remembered but at the same time, it feels like a lost summer. I am finally sharing a little more about what the past few months have been like and why I have not been here on the blog as much. I am not feeling very eloquent or polished in my writing today and this is not a beauty filled decor post friends, so you can stop reading now if that is what you are looking for- I completely understand.
My Dad
I was always a bit of a daddy’s girl growing up and I can remember thinking my dad was the most wonderful, most amazing man in the world. He was so fun and he was always creating so many things with his hands- for work, he was a contractor and real estate broker and he built and remodeled dozens of homes with an artists eye and touch. His projects were never just simple, he was a craftsman with attention to detail and creating beauty of big old messes. There were window nooks, mouldings on cabinets, a bookcase that swung open to reveal a hidden staircase and incredible chunky open beamed ceilings were a hallmark of his designs. He made all the window boxes for our house from old fences with corbels made on his band saw. Fun fact, he didn’t think our house was that bad when he first saw it, he saw all the potential and possibilities. Pretty sure that is where I got my vision for old houses and things that are broken down and need some love from.
Our childhood was filled with fun- we rode our bikes on our quiet little lane, climbed trees, made forts, and swept floors in the playhouse he built in the backyard. We made sand castles, rode horses and hiked in Tahoe every year- Tahoe summers are some of my best childhood memories. My parents had 2 sets of very good friends from his police work, and all of us kids were like cousins getting together and going on vacations together every year. When I was 8, my world changed a bit when my parents divorced and it was not an easy time for sure. I imagine even harder for my parents, but we didn’t see that aspect of it, they both made Chris and I priorities. The remarriages were pretty difficult to be honest, but I became even closer to my grandparents who were like a shelter in a storm and though, I struggled and was a bit of a rebel as I became a teen and felt unloveable, deep down I knew I was loved.
After I left California and got married and started a family, we moved back to California and bought our cottage and my dad would come spend time helping us renovate. I could tell you dozens upon dozens of stories of chaotic renovation projects that left us all shaking our heads and laughing hysterically and there were so many good times with our kids. I appreciate each and every one of those memories so much and when I look around at our house now, I see his hand and ideas in so many things and so many memories. He came to heavy metal concerts, sat at the hospital when there was an accident, taught my kids how to build things and do plumbing. The pizza and jugs of apple cider he always brought for the kids, baby showers and graduations and all the stories we would share by the fire pit in the evenings when he visited.
June 2026
Just before Father’s Day in June, my dad called in the evening and he told me that he was at the emergency room and was being admitted. Long story short, he had had been having some fluid retention and indigestion issues for a couple of month and his doctors ran all kinds of tests from colonoscopy to endoscopy to heart and blood panels and biopsies. Everything checked out fine though he did have a small hiatal hernia. He had a triple bypass heart surgery about 9 month previous, so they thought maybe it was something heart related. But while at the er, the doctors started running more tests and drained some fluid from his stomach and found it was cancerous. Within a short time, they told him it was stage 4 pancreatic cancer that had spread to his peritoneum and started talking about treatment options to extend his life and then sent him home.
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July
July came and after speaking with his doctors, he decided he wanted to try treatment. They said the 6 rounds of treatment they wanted to prescribe was not one they would usually recommend for someone who was his age of 81.5. But his doctor felt he could handle it since he was very active and far healthier than most of his 20 years younger patients. Unfortunately, after the third treatment, dad became very weak, had lost so much weight and his blood levels were off so much he was taken back to the er and was admitted to the hospital again. They made the difficult decision to stop treatment and send him home on hospice. My dad was feisty even so and he was determined to try to get his strength back enough to try the treatment again. He was lifting weights in his hospital bed, had my brother and husband hold weights on his feet so he could do leg presses and had a pulley system of a rope around the wood ceiling beam above him to pull himself up for arm strength. Even up until the day before he passed, he was determined and said ‘maybe there is a chance’
August and September
My brother and my husband and I took turns staying near his home in the Bay Area for several days at a time to help out as we could. We spent time with him just sitting, had deeper than usual conversations, cried and laughed and held his hands. We made peace with things, said apologies, thank you’s and told each other how much we loved each other, talked about the old days and good times, joked about a lot of things- he was just the same as always mentally- and just spent many quiet moments together. He asked me to share happy memories of my childhood and called me his little girl and told me how much he loved me often.
My oldest son asked me one night how I was okay after going into poppi’s room and seeing him like that every day. Of course, I saw him getting weaker and more frail, but I smiled as I brought him his breakfast, laughed at his jokes and sat with him and put my sadness aside. I wasn’t okay of course, it was incredibly hard to put on the game face every day. But we were all determined to try to create some happy moments for him to have in such a difficult time for him.
The weekend before he passed, his wife called at 4 am because my dad was asking for my husband. My husband went down and got him comfortable in the bed and sat with him, held his hands and talked with him to make sure he felt safe so he could sleep knowing someone was there with him. My husband loved my dad like a father too and was such a big help taking such good care of him.
My brother and I both sat with him together on the Friday before he passed. It was actually a really powerful emotion filled moment for both of us. We each held one of his hands while he slept. We looked at each other. Looked at our dad. Looked out the windows and tried to reconcile inside knowing he needed to leave and was ready to leave and we needed to be there and be strong for him. Even though he was our protector our whole lives, we both felt very protective of him and we needed to make sure he felt safe. In that moment, holding his hands, it felt almost like we were a chain linked together. Just like when we were kids and were going through the divorce and the remarriages and the ups and downs that came with those things, when it was the three of us taking care of each other.
Every time we left, we said goodbye to him and hugged him not knowing if it would be the last time. Though those summer months were so hard and heartbreaking for everyone, we all know that having that time to be able to be together was a gift that we are grateful for.
I haven’t really processed through things, it has only been a couple weeks since he passed. I don’t know how long it will take to process and unpack and really understand that he is gone. My book launch day was just a week later. A challenge, but also a welcome distraction. I know my dad would want me to give this book my all, even in this ‘Season’ that is not as easy. I am so grateful to have had my dad in my life as long as I did (50 something years!) and to have so many incredible, wonderful memories with him. He was such a special person, father and grandfather and I don’t know if I can fully express right now all that he means to me, but I do know how much he loved all of us & I know he will always watch over my brother and I and our families.
These snaps are from a weekend trip to Carmel for my dad’s 80th birthday. We stayed at a hotel that had little individual cottages and surprised him that we all came to celebrate with him. We had no idea that a year and a half later, he would be in the fight of his life and gone in a few short months. But when I see these photos, I smile remembering how wonderful that weekend was and how much fun we all had together making those memories.
I appreciate you all being here and bearing with me on the delays in writing blog posts, mailing book plates and book orders and creating some beautiful things to share with you. I didn’t pick up my camera more than probably a handful of times over the summer, I just haven’t had much creative energy. I am starting to find my way bit by bit by bit as I sort through everything and process. I am so grateful for your support and love friends.
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